Play away way....

I have just woken up from a dream, we (I have no idea who we were) had just partaken in socially distanced outdoor japes. In my dream it felt as light and as normal as the time I vaguely remember; before humankind were all set upon each other with our opinions of how best to live through a pandemic. At the end of our outdoor japes I was feeling happy and free (why are feelings in dreams the most vivid part of the experience?) and I thought I would finish our time with a well-rehearsed hand spring. In real life I can just about execute a cartwheel with a front-facing landing but these are dreams OK. So, I limber up (even in my dreams I am middle-aged) I take a big run, I place one hand, than the other on the grass as I prepare to spin my body overhead and land gracefully.... Instead, I run, place the hands down at the point of where I will spin, collapse and crumple like a ball of soggy paper. The 'we' (I still do not recognise their faces) say encouraging things. I try again. I fail and the encouragement increases... The feelings of being able to 'do it' are really strong and I keep trying; the failure continues.... just before I wake up.

I wonder who these encouraging dream beings were.  And I wonder why I am relentlessly trying something I am neither trained nor prepared for? The dream-encouragement felt like mockery- the 'you can do it' of a tyrannical boss who wants the result without investing in the instruction needed to pull off such a feat. I wish I could rewind to the part of the dream where I am enjoying outdoor japes and it felt normal to interact.

In real life, I am doing OK. The work load, is on bad days, feeling burdensome- I am, at present, much less the teacher (I work with real children for the mornings) and more the disappointed television presenter - trying to make relevant content with no particular aptitude, watching the viewing figures plummet with the bitter resentment of a failed creative.  I resent seeing my not real life self-reflected back to me in the guise of a warm, guiding voice to take you through the maze that is phonics. I try to sound encouraging, but some days I am pissed off that I am making videos for a cavernous, empty chamber of late rising, too much screen time and harassed mothers who can't make their offspring sit and concentrate for 2 minutes. Some days I am full of judgement; 'Why can't they at least log on and try?' and then some days I want to fall on my knees and shout: 'No one asked for this Hell.... my heart is with you parents'. I am deeply worried for our young people, the lives they are living and the future that they will inherit, some days those worries turn rotten and cause physical pain - in the neck or back or knee - and I have to take myself aside and remember that all I can do is my best. I try not to become too fatigued from anxiety, because for this battle we need fresh fighters.

Thankfully, I have some free time - for many the balance between work and free time has lost its clear demarcations and that is a strange stress in itself. I have through previous decisions and damn fine luck hung on to my work and free time boundaries; I have never felt so grateful and guilty at the same time. Sometimes I am woefully disappointed as my free time is eroded by my inability to do anything other than exist, quietly and I watch my fanciful 'dream to achieve' list flutter from my grasp. But on other occasions my imagination has not lost the sharpening it received during the first lock down when I read books, wrote journals and wore whimsical outfits to hang out in my kitchen. Time will tell how I will fare in this lockdown and in these particular circumstances, will I arrive back to the point where writing happens regularly and with relative ease (it is never easy)? Will I find content of interest and benefit to other people outside of my own interests? Or will I just spend hours in a comfortable spot trying to recall what it is that I am supposed to do as my brain sits in the chair desperately trying to finish the debrief, repeat the mantra: 'I am a teacher, writer and creative, yes I can present educational television...and viewing figures do not demonstrate my worth....'

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