Self-Help

I think I am running out of cat memes and funny tiktoks. Instagram is not providing me with the inspiration I am craving, facebook is not as whingy as it has been (so I can't rail against it)  and I have never gotten a handle on Zoom. I struggle to converse on a telephone, let alone watching humans through the witchcraft of a screen and be expected to converse with them naturally, especially when my face is pointed back at me with the full horror of pasty skin and double chins. I hate to say it, but I am falling into 'lockdown' wear and tear, 'lockdown' fatigue, 'lockdown'- I am pissing myself off.

To deal with this feeling, I am thinking of writing myself a self-help book. I have a self and sometimes I try and help out that said self. My experience of this subject tells me I am more than qualified. To cope with all this upheaval and shenanigans I have developed a very good sense of denial. I know that denial may not have been a mental state spoken about favourably, but this is my-self and I have indulged it all my days and I know what it tells me, works. Before I plunge in, I have to acknowledge I am in an extraordinarily  privileged position in this pandemic. I am fed, I am paid, and as yet, I am healthy. I am very grateful. I hope all that privilege doesn't go to my head and turn me into a complete twat, well at least more of a twat that I usually am. I phone my elderly mum and she sounds strong, telling me blow by blow accounts of the cows birthing in the field below her garden, she has people going for her shopping and is learning how to garden. My friends, are doing OK, they are well and coping. My In-laws, are at this time, fit as fiddles. So I relax and get on with the real business of denial. First, I  pretend I am on some sort of sabbatical.  I pretend I am a writer - and adopt a drinking habit to go along side. Then I pretend I am a model, over on Instagram - it's a free for all over there, we can be who we want to be. I also am in the middle of pretending I am training for some survival run, everyday, coastal: raise- money- for- charity- type thing.  I go to sleep and pretend a little more through my dreams- like the one where I forgot to go into my place of work and no-one minded.

The next step in my self-helping, is to lower my expectations. I am pretty sure things like waking before noon are aiming too high for a writer with my sensitive nature. And as for homeschooling, I am qualified in the confines of an institution with rules, expectations and shit; I am pretty sure my qualifications become null once I leave said institution, at least this is what my youngest son tells me. My cleaning expectations have lowered a little since the beginning of 'lockdown', as I mentioned I am a sensitive writery type, we just ain't made for house cleaning type stuff. I can find a clear pathway that leads directly onto the couch and I think that is a good achievement. Besides I am wearing clean (ish) clothes and my instagram proves that.

I think I have talked myself out of my 'lockdown' fatigue - If I can just live in denial and just lower my expectations a little- I think I can cope. I am nothing, if not giving, and I realise my self-helping could be of benefit to more than just me. Please feel free to share the things that you are denying, for example: that you miss talking to real people in real life. And share your lowered expectations for example: showering before noon is an unacceptable expectation for any human. We can help each other out, we're in this together.

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